ASK MISTER VELNDONOM

Dear Mister Velndonom –

My wife and I run a small laundromat on the outskirts of Fillet Row. As you can understand, water is an essential part of our business. We recently received a bill that claims we owe you the water commissioner over $144,000 in charges, stating that we had not been paying the ‘back water taxes’, which date back to 1960. Our business has only existed for three years, so it’s impossible for us to owe that amount! Our repeated calls and letters to the Velndoco Corporation have gone unanswered. And in the meantime our water has been shut off, forcing us to pump in water from Lake Shrimp.

Is there any way that you could help us resolve this matter? Quite frankly, I don’t know how long we can stay in business.

Yours,

Betty and Rub Ram

Betty and Rub –

Thanks for writing! Calculating bills can be a sometimes treacherous one – mistakes are made and paperwork gets lost, so sometimes things are done incorrectly. The worst part of this is when an innocent party suffers in the process. And that is most definitely the case in this situation. So please pay the amount due and your record will be clear.

Mister Velndonom –

Please settle a bet that I have with my son – what kind of Dudley do you like to eat? I say you’re a ham, swiss and crab eater, but my tot insists you’re a bacon, lettuce and bass man.

Thanks –

Raymond Glorf

Raymond –

Get ready to collect whatever monies that you and your son bet, because I like nothing more than digging into a HSC sandwich (with the roll toasted and the crab frozen so cold that it makes your teeth hurt) for lunch.

Mister Velndonom –

I wonder what your opinion is of the whole ‘little blue pill’ craze. I know that I need it to help me get my pecker to the party, and considering your age (I’m 47), I thought you might be in the same boat as me.

Can’t Get Hard Without Viagra

Dear Can’t Get Hard Without Viagra –

I’m not sure what you’re talking about. I haven’t had one of your blue pills, although enjoy a variety of different candies. Usually of a chocolate foundation though.