November/December, 2000
Whazzup.
You are no doubt startled by the informally carefree yet highly recognizable greeting I just intoned.
It has become apparent that "The Major In The Morning" radio program has not achieved the trajectory for which it was designed. I have taken the advice of 760 AM program director Rod Smoot and "retooled" the show. From now on the program will be called " 760 Morning Madness with Mark and The Dude." I am heretofore to be known as 'The Dude.'
Mark is "Mad" Mark Sabatini. Program Director Smoot says Mark is "morning magic." He also tells me Mark always wins his time slot and can bring home the big numbers in the crucial 18-26 demo we so dearly need to stay vital and achieve our market share. It is our hope that this will generate valuable advertising dollars for the station and make 760 #1 on Western Maine's radio dial.
I want you all to know that you will still be getting a healthy dose of my patented brand of right-thinking, military-derived observations. It's just that now it will be coupled with Mark's patented brand of outrageously shocking hijinks and hurtful putdowns. Mark has informed everyone at 760 that his show will make everyone forget Rory Blake. This is music to my ears, for I have made no secret of my dislike for the late Mr. Blake and his CD Toilet Tunes Volume 1 . It is said that one should never wish ill of the dead, but I do.
I am meeting with Mark tomorrow to go over a portion of the show he is referring to as "Who Would You Rather Bone?" It shall be my duty to telephone members of the listening audience and ask them who they would prefer to have sexual relations with. Mark informs me the catch to this piece is that the "stooge" must decide between two unattractive celebrities like Rosie O'Donnell and Grandma from 'The Beverly Hillbillies" TV program.
I hope you all will tune in and share in the good times.
Other news:
It seems that "Disco Ayatollah" will not be released...ever. When the owner of this record label discovered that I was about to re-record the single he began pressuring me to insert lyrics which derided both Thor Donohue and Mike Falser, his competition for the office of Commissioner of Western Maine. I refused and he sent over a battalion of dock workers to confiscate the master tapes. It saddens me that our relationship has taken this turn. I am still in charge of this record company and will be for as long as I am able to stand tall and bark orders.
Have a dutiful Christmas.
At ease.