Rave On!

Western Maine's Only Rock 'n' Roll Paper 

     *a Velndoco Publication

November/December, 2000

Velndonom Wins Commissioner Post, Throws Rock Extravaganza

Newly-elected Western Maine Commissioner Claude Y. Velndonom sure knows how to throw a victory party.  And party thousands did at the all-day "Appreciation For The People of Western Maine Festival" on December 2nd at the Velndonom Amphitheater in Stonebridge. 

At approximately 12:07 PM the multi-billionaire and his on-again/off-again fiancé Mandy Lynn (dressed in form-fitting dancewear and high heels) strode to center stage to the sounds of Tom Petty's "It's Good To Be King," greeted the crowd, and proceeded to kiss passionately and open-mouthed.  Claude then sang a spirited version of Western Maine's official anthem, "The Crabs of My Youth" and introduced the first act of the day: his favorite singing group, Memory Lane.

Commissioner Velndonom introduces Memory Lane

As Memory Lane finished the final chorus of "Lazing By The Lighthouse," Commissioner Velndonom reappeared once again to thank the crowd.  He announced that he was off to meet with prospective cabinet members and that Mandy Lynn would take over as host.  Velndonom also mentioned that the rest of the day's entertainment, featuring hard rocking locals  Heathen, Jupiter Starfight and Trashed Gypsy, as well as national supergroup Claude's Klan (the band was specifically assembled for the show and consisted of  vocalist Ron Keel, Judas Priest guitarist K.K. Downing, Great White bassist Todd Gorth and Dokken drummer 'Wild' Mick Brown) was handpicked by Ms. Lynn.

Heathen perform their song "Wett Cherrry"

Ms. Lynn was clearly loving every minute of her time onstage dancing, grinding, and carrying on with all the male members of the groups who played throughout the day and evening.  Our new first lady and the thousands of celebrators were having a grand old time.

Mandy Lynn

But things were far different outside the venue where hundreds of West Hoover voters picketed the festivities.  In a scene straight out of our national newspapers, the voters claimed they were confused by what they saw when they entered their voting booths.  But whereas Florida voters cited the precarious positioning of candidate's names as their main grievance, these anti-Velndonomers say they were not even given the option of voting for other candidates.

The protestors hurled taunts and spoiled lobster meat at Commissioner Velndonom's 80-foot limousine shouting "Claude fraud" and "Velndonom sucks pant cashews" as the vehicle sped past them, narrowly missing a 10-year-old boy and his sick mother.  The Commissioner called the allegations of voter fraud "completely out-there...weird," and cited the fact that all West Hoover voting booths were "cleaned and prepped" by Western Maine's oldest and only voting booth maintenance company:  Velndovote Inc.  Velndovote CEO Roderick Z. Velndonom could not be interviewed due to vacation commitments but did state that a recount would be impossible due to his observance of the "time- honored American tradition of torching the ballots after they are counted."

The ballot bonfire

The festival ended at approximately 11:00 pm with a rousing sing-along of The Lobstermen's 1958 regional smash "Rockin' At The Dock (All Around The Clock)" which featured all of the day's participants with the exception of Mandy Lynn and Heathen guitarist Glenn Goodard.

Bob Timmins Arrested For Attempted Frame-Up of Rave On Editor and for Faking Own Death

Bob Timmins' luck seems to have gone from bad to worse.  The rotund Western Maine singer was arrested on November 30th for faking his own death and attempting to frame Rave On editor Perry Shepherd as his murderer.  At approximately 5:00 pm members of the Crab Lake High School fishing squad were alerted to the sound of screams coming from the north end of the lake. They were shocked to see Timmins thirty feet from shore struggling desperately to keep his head above water.

Team ensign Royce Gerntnsted was first to reach the frightened waterlogged musician.  "He was really out of control when I reached him," Gerntnsted said.   "He vacillated between expressing overwhelming gratitude that I was saving him and cursing God for giving him too much talent and saying he wished it was someone named Perry in the lake instead of him."

Gerntnsted is pictured at last year's Junior Masters Tournament in Bentonton

Police were soon called and an investigation squad led by State Trooper Robert Harrops of the Stonebridge barracks began their interrogation of Timmins.  Questioning revealed that Timmins had planned on submerging his 1989 Toyota Camry in Crab Lake, drafting a murder note "signed" by Rave On editor Perry Shepherd and disappearing into the Western Maine night with hopes of crossing over into Canada.  

Timmins succeeded in rolling the vehicle into the lake but seconds later realized he left all his supplies for his journey in the back seat.  The portly songsmith then managed to gain access to the car but was rendered helpless when his Bob Seger belt buckle became lodged in the Camry's ashtray.  Trooper Harrops speculated that Timmins "would surely have become crab candy" had he not been rescued by Gerntnsted.  

Timmins is being held on $400,000 bail in West Hoover County Courthouse.

Commissioner Velndonom and Fiancé Found 'Velndonom Movie Company'

Will Western Maine become the next Hollywood? It sure will if our new Commissioner Claude Y. Velndonom has any say in the matter. Velndonom and his sometime fiancé Mandy Lynn have founded the Velndonom Movie Company.

Velndonom stated that the recent pull-out of the Lethal Deception 2  production was the impetus for his decision to start the new studio.  "That was really the straw that broke the lobster's back - we were so close to getting on the map with that one," Velndonom said. 

The Commissioner has announced that VMC's first production will be Lighthouse, an updating of Mandy Lynn's all-time favorite film: the 1987 Patrick Swayze film Roadhouse.

"Mandy is so excited about this," said Velndonom. "She really loves that movie and she is really proud of the script she has written with Jeff (Klausen -author of Western Main's biggest stage hit Jordan's Spectacular Coat of Dreams)."  Ms. Lynn will also co-star and co-direct the film.  "She's never really directed before but she's been to enough movies to really get a feel for the medium...plus she takes wonderful photos," gushed Velndonom.

Lighthouse will be shot entirely on location in and around Western Maine with most of the action revolving around "Lighthouse Nights" -a rough-and-tumble drinkery which will be played by the Crab Lake Canyon Falls Lighthouse.

Velndonom related how disappointed he was that Mr. Swayze would not be returning to the role of Dalton, the rugged  yet gorgeous bouncer in the original film.  "Mandy was really upset when she heard Patrick declined the film, but she sure perked up when she met her new co-star Gareth Porter," Velndonom said. "They have been rehearsing non-stop recently -I hardly ever see Mandy anymore!"

Lighthouse co-star Gareth Porter

Velndonom was pleased to announce that two stars of the original movie would be returning: legendary actor Ben Gazzarra and legendary wrestler Terry Funk.  "Who would imagine it -me, just a regular ol' billionaire getting to talk craft with these two giants!" enthused Velndonom. "I can't wait for Mandy to make the camera start shooting film."

Gazzarra enjoys himself during his visit to Western Maine last summer

Velndonom would not respond to allegations that money to make the film was coming not from his personal fortune but a just announced massive water rate hike.  "Let's not worry about money, let's be concerned with creating great luscious art," said Velndonom.

NEWS AND NOTES

WATER SCARE MAKES ‘HARD METALLIC ROCK’ RARE IN WESTERN MAINE

Tiger Stripe

TURD BURGLAR CALL IT A DAY

Tighty Whitey

OPEN CALL FOR "LIGHTHOUSE" EXTRAS

NEW BEACH BOYS ACT BRINGS ON LAWSUITS GALORE

Pappas

 THE MAINE EVENT 

 by

Perry Shepherd

Editor

Hello gang. Perry’s back for another episode of THE MAINE EVENT, the only place where you’re GUARANTEED to get the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, each and every time out of the crab cage! So let’s get started, shall we?

There’s been a big buzz all over the Western Maine music scene, and it’s been about… none other than yours truly! People have really been flipping for my band big-time! (and if you’ve been living in a cave, we’re called Perry Shepherd and the PerryScopes… like you didn’t know that already!) Our show over at the newly re-opened Prawn Hall went smashingly, if I may say so myself. In particular, my guitar playing has really improved. I thought that my solo on "Mama’s Man" was, to use a rock critic’s lingo for a moment, incendiary! I know it might sound weird, but sometimes I really impress myself with the things I come up with.

There’s also some exciting news about Perry Shepherd and the PerryScopes. "What is it," I’m sure you’re breathlessly asking yourself right now. Hold your horses, guys and gals! I’m gonna tell you where you can find the electric details about PS AND THE PS (that’s shorthand for Perry Shepherd and the PerryScopes). "Where?! Come on, Perry, stop playing with us like that!", you’re saying right now. 

I told you to relax! So relax, okay? "I can’t relax when it comes to news about your band, Perry!" Okay, okay, here’s the scoop – check out 10 QUESTIONS WITH PERRY SHEPHERD for an interview I did with none other than… myself! I know, that sounds strange, but it seemed like the best way to get the word out about the band and all. And I guess I do have a level of responsibility as a rock writer to write about the bands that people are dying to hear about, so in a way me doing this interview with myself is actually pretty journalistically responsible – more responsible than me doing a 10 QUESTIONS with someone like Glenn Chorch, the singer for Angry Planet, who PS and the PS happened to blow off the stage over at the Sagging Whale Tavern last Wednesday. (Sorry, Glenn – that’s the rock game. It’s kill or be killed.) 

Those PerryScopes fanatics at The Sagging Whale

The other reason that I did the interview with myself was because I didn’t want to taint my journalistic responsibility to this column. THE MAINE EVENT will NEVER be some sort of shill for any commercial endeavor I may be involved in. So the interview covers all the stuff. And don’t worry – I asked myself some hard-hitting questions, as I do with every 10 QUESTIONS. No softballs from old Perry!

On a sadder note, the news of Bob Timmins' latest public debacle can’t help but make one ponder their life and where they’re at at any given time. It’s weird – not even a year ago Bob was riding high, topping out our Reader’s Poll (which I am confident that Perry Shepherd and the PerryScopes will clean up in this year…), and now he sits in a jail cell eating stale, day-old Dudleys and drinking water from the same small tin cup he also has to use as a toilet. While I’m having the time of my life, rocking out in front of tons of people, steadily getting more and more famous. Putting it that way, it’s obvious why he would want to bring me down. But that’s life I guess – the powers up above choose to bless some of us and curse others. Hey, I ain’t complaining…

Speaking of which, your truly was offered the Jeff Healy role in Lighthouse, the remake of Roadhouse that’s shooting up in our parts. Have I accepted the job yet? A resounding no. Why? Because I’ve got my eye on a meatier role, maybe something along the line of the role that Terry Funk has, or the part of the old farmer who rents Dalton the second floor of his barn. But if I do take the Healy role, I promise not to let all these Hollywood non-rock types hurt the credibility of our music one iota. And that’s a promise I plan on backing up.

Keep rockin 

– Perry

10 QUESTIONS WITH...

PERRY SHEPARD 

PERRY: SO TELL ME, WHAT’S BEEN THE MOST SATISFYING PART OF BEING AN UP AND COMING ROCK STAR?

Perry: Well, I guess I would have to say the feeling of being up there, doing my thing in front of a hot crowd. Look, I’m not rolling in money or playing the big halls just yet, but I look at these times as the dues-paying days. That stuff will come later. And since I’m knocking my socks off now, sweating it out in the clubs, it will have been earned. Right now Perry Shepherd is all about the down-and-dirty aspect of playing, just enjoying it for what it is.

PERRY: HOW HAVE THE SHOWS BEEN GOING?

Perry: Good question. The shows have been great, just great. These shows are what I call future mythology gigs. As a writer, I understand what it means to build up the legend of a particular rock icon – it’s the writer and the rocker working side by side to turn a normal human being into something that’s truly larger than life. And I’ve seen it done – with the Beatles at the Cavern Club or Springsteen playing all those dives in New Jersey. And I’ve done it as well – writing about Bob Timmins playing all those shows at Sea Bass Alley, trying to turn him into something that I thought he could’ve been. But he proved that he was truly a mortal man. I mean, look at that whole thing he’s caught up in now. It’s ugly everyone – his fans, his family, everyone. I won’t make the same mistakes, trust me.

PERRY: THAT’S AN INTERESTING POINT. WHERE DO YOU THINK THAT BOB TIMMINS WENT WRONG?

Perry: Great question. I guess Bob started to really go south when he realized that his rock image wasn’t a jacket that you can put on and take off when it’s convenient. You’ve got a real responsibility to yourself, to your fans, to the critics, and to the people who’ve gone before you in rock. If you’re going to step up there on that stage, you’d better have a will that’s stronger than anyone else within a 100-mile radius. And Timmins just couldn’t pull it off. He’s a weak-minded fellow. What a pity to watch a guy bomb so bad. But now that I’m in the game myself, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t draw more than a little joy from his failure. It’s dog eat dog. If you can’t take the heat, by all means don’t play the game.

PERRY: HOW DO YOU PLAN TO AVOID THOSE PITFALLS?

Perry: It really isn’t an issue with me, because Perry Shepherd is fully aware of what he brings to the table. Timmins never had a handle on his craft. It’s like those homeless guys who do the mime-fishing down by Wiltford Pier. Are you familiar with them?

PERRY: YES, I AM.

Perry: Well those guys have to have their act down before they get out there on a Tuesday afternoon to entertain the passers-by. If they can’t do the act, nobody’s gonna drop a penny in one of their hats. But if they know what they’re doing and appreciate and handle their craft, respect it to the point of being it, really being it – then and only then will that love come across. And I give those poor fellas all the respect in the world. They’re doing that mime-fishing for the love of it first and foremost. Like me.

PERRY: WHAT DOES THE FUTURE HOLD FOR PERRY SHEPARD AND THE PERRY-SCOPES?

Perry: Well, on a very factual level, I’m making some changes in the group. Look, nobody understands the importance of group chemistry more than I do, but there comes a time when an artist needs the proper tools to work. Do you think Havershant could do all that abstract clamshell art without the right paintbrushes? No, he needs the tools to work the way he has to. And I feel the same way. The vision I’ve got just can’t blossom unless I get some real player behind me. So I made a change or two in the PerryScopes. I’m bringing in Wrichard Clark, whose a real powerhouse of a drummer – he played with Man Shak and Luck O’ The Draw over the last couple years. And I’m auditioning for a keyboard player right now, someone who can add some layers to the band’s texture.

PERRY: ANY HARD FEELINGS ABOUT SAYING GOODBYE TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND JOYCE?

Perry: Next question.

PERRY: WHAT’RE YOUR ALBUM PLANS?

Perry: We’re planning on laying down some demos early next year, then we’ll be shopping the tapes to some major labels. We might entertain the idea of going with an indie for a one-off, but that’s unlikely. I’m still very suspect of their ability to properly distribute the product. Then we’ll secure our management and whatnot. Then the sky’s the limit, I guess.

PERRY: HOW ABOUT YOUR WRITING CAREER? WILL YOU BE FORCED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN ONE OR THE OTHER?

Perry: Writing is all well and good, but now that I’ve gotten a taste of the real thing, my passions have changed. No offense, writing served me well over the years, but now I’m actually living it myself rather than living through someone else. And trust me – living it yourself is infinitely preferable to watching someone else do it.

PERRY: I KNOW WE USUALLY DO A TEN QUESTION CHAT WITH OUR SUBJECTS, BUT I KNOW YOU’RE A BUSY MAN, SO I’LL LEAVE IT AT THIS.

Perry: Much appreciated. Thanks for the chat.

January/Feb, 2001