The Vermont Electric Guitar

FAT AND BALD ROCK CRITIC TRIES TO ROCK; FAILS

By Bob Timmins

I went to this show to see my longtime advarsary Perry Shepherd try to rock and roll like a real rocker. What a joke. To think that this guy could actually get up there and do it? Not likely.

When I got to the show over at the Crab Shack things got off to a bad start. I had to wear a disgise at the show so that none of the locals would recognize me and impinge on my watching the show at hand. And thankfully none of the local dopes (this runs in where, Vermont? Than they won’t see it.) didn’t recognize your’s truly at all.

So any way, after some dumb local band goes up there and bores the shit out of me, then after five minutes (wrong move, Cueball – let the audience wait at least fourty-five minutes before you take the stage) Perry Shepherd and the PerryScopes take the stage. Now you might be asking yourself "who in they’re right mind would be playing with a looser like Perry? Well Ray Burl who was in a pretty good band called Harmonica Blues Cats about eight years ago was up there playing bass, so was Don Feccles, who used to record some solo stuff out of his basement or something – I never heard any of his stuff, and now I know why – the guy can’t sing backup or play lead guitar for shit – I mean, he totally froze up on the solo on "Tough Enough" - Jimmie Vaughn played the heart out of that thing, and this guy just kinda diddled on his high E for about thirty seconds. Nice try, guy.

And now for Perry. Talking about how ugly he is is hard for me to do because it hurts my mind recalling how dumb and ugly he actually is. It’s actually a shame because he used to be a cool guy back around 1991 when I first met him and he was totally into the Bob Timmins Band (the ORIGINAL BAND, not the one fronted by the lame-O from Top Flight), but somehow he turned into quite a dick. And a baby too.

In conclusion, Perry Shepherd and the PerryScopes sucked long dong all night long. They played covers that sucked "Tough Enough" "Are You Ready for Some Football?" and a stupid blues version of "Unchained Melody") and originals that sucked also – "I Miss You" "Feeling Special" and something that I think was called "Rock and Roll Mama", and they all sucked. And in different ways, too. You blew it, Perry. You suck as a writer – I’ve proven that I can do it better then you, maybe I’ll do this permanently – and as a musician youre somehow worse! I didn’t think it was possible but you are. The worst, that is. And you’ll always be the worst. Give it up, Cueball.

Sincerely,

 Bob Timmins