Western Maine's Only Rock 'n' Roll Paper
*a Velndoco Publication
October 26, 2000
Rave On Endorses Velndonom
Rave On magazine is proud to announce its support of Western Maine commissioner candidate Claude Y. Velndonom. Mr. Velndonom has pledged to establish Western Maine as a force to be reckoned with in the entertainment world. The future commissioner stated that "this area will soon be known as the Hollywood and/or Los Angeles of New England."
Celebrators celebrate at the announcement of the Velndonom campaign
Velndonom is no stranger to the world of entertainment: he is the owner of the Stereolaffs record label, TV-6 in Bentonton and this publication. He promises a "mega-blowout rock and roll concert" when he is announced as the winner. Although he has not yet named a running mate, the odds on favorite is West Hoover Hardware baron Glenn Luddenshire. Velndonom's fiancť/TV6 anchor woman Mandy Lynn announced today that the Velndonom campaign theme song will be Tom Petty's "It's Good To Be King."
Timmins' Philharmonic Phlopera
Bob Timmins' hopes of a triumphant homecoming were soundly dashed against the rocky shores of the Western Maine Opera House on September 22nd during what was intended to be night one of Timmins' three-part performance of his as yet unrecorded autobiographical concept album PORTRAITS.
A combination of technical glitches, severe stage fright, uncontrollable rage, ego and a microscopic turnout all contributed to the debacle. Click for Rave On editor Perry's review of the show.
BOB TIMMINS BAND ON FAST TRACK Ė ALBUM AND TOUR IN WORKS
The Bob Timmins Band is picking up steam, going fast and furious. Their debut album The Bob Timmins Band, recently recorded with Don Gehman, has created quite a buzz over at Elektra Records, the bandís label. "Weíre on the fast track, from what weíre told," drummer Stan Pettigrew noted.
The band recently completed a short tour with Bob Seger throughout September, and are finalizing plans to embark on their own national tour. "Weíll play some small clubs, just to get our feet wet," Pettigrew states. "Hopefully by the spring weíll jump on board another big tour. Itís all like a dream come true!" Pettigrew also announced that plans are under way to prevent former BTB singer Bob Timmins from performing under the name Bob Timmins.
MOVIE PRODUCTION PULLS OUT OF WESTERN MAINE
Western Maineís exciting attempt to become "Hollywood East" came to a premature close when the production of the motion picture Lethal Deception 2 left Western Maine after shooting only five days in the area. Many of the scenes to be filmed at the Excellence Wholesale Egg Emporium had to be scrapped due to the building being ruled "Unsafe For Walking And/Or General Trodding" by the filming crewís safety inspector. Thankfully, the Emporium is up and running after the departure of the film crew.
The Bentonton Motel
The local economy projects quite a huge financial hit from the filmís early departure. The Bentonton Motel, which was at 140% capacity during the time of the filming, is now suffering from vacancies, and the motelís vending machine, which was originally stocked with local favorites like Crab Power Bars had to be re-stocked with snacks more suited to "Hollywood" taste buds, like Snickers and M&Ms. "Iím stuck with these stupid things," noted Roy Tubb, owner of the Bentonton Motel.
TEN QUESTIONS WITHÖ..
by Perry Shepherd
Thereís been a lot of talk lately about the band that was once Western Maineís answer to the Beatles. After dominating the local scene for almost a decade Top Flight fell out of favor with the general public, plummeting to the bottom of the Rave On Readers Poll. Soon thereafter the band hit the skids Ė personal differences mounted, culminating in the bandís implosion last month, amidst a flurry of lawsuits and counter lawsuits from within the members of the band.
This interview was conducted at the Grouper Cafť, a trendy new coffee and seafood place on the outskirts of West Hoover. The band members were distant from each other Ė it was obvious that the wounds were still very very raw.
PERRY SHEPHERD: Tell me about how the breakup happened.
LEONARD SIMPKINS (percussion): Eh, itís not even worth fucking talking about anymore. Iím onto my own new thing now Ė itís kind of like world music, but more rocking.
KEITH "THE DRILL" BECKLE (saxophone): Typical Len.
LEONARD SIMPKINS: Fuck off, Drill.
KEITH BECKLE: No, fuck you, dick. We wouldnít be in this situation if you couldíve just kept your two-incher in your pants.
LEONARD SIMPKINS: Thatís a low blow. But low blows should be right up your alley, considering what you and Ted used to do in the back of the van.
TED PORLBOR (guitar/vocals): Youíre a real piece of shit, you know that? I hope you rot in hell, you and your stupid fucking drum set.
PERRY SHEPHERD: Whoa, whoa! Take it easy, fellas. Let me ask something else. Whatís up with all the lawsuits?
TED PORLBOR: Well if I wasnít teamed up with a bunch of thieves, none of this would be going on.
LEONARD SIMPKINS: Oh, so now weíre the thieves? Yeah, I guess thatís how you got a hold of that Discman, because Iím a fucking thief. Thatís rich.
KEITH BECKLE: Yeah.
LEONARD SIMPKINS: Watch what you say, Beckle. I know the real deal with you and your ways. That bipolar disorder shit might work on your shrink, but it ainít gonna get you far with me.
KEITH BECKLE: You dick-suck! Youíre the reason that the pet store went under!
PERRY SHEPHERD: Thatís my next question. Someone sued someone else over "Unlawful Ownership of a Pet Store".
KEITH BECKLE: The short story is that I had opened up a pet store with my share of the money we were making out on gigs, and then Leonard felt that I was somehow skimming more than my share from our t-shirt sales, just because my step-daughter was running the merchandise stand. So then his solution is to file a lawsuit claiming that I wasnít fit to run a pet store, due to my mental condition.
LEONARD SIMPKINS: Tell them what happened to the snake.
KEITH BECKLE: Iím not gonna talk about that.
LEONARD SIMPKINS: No, tell him! Youíre so fucking tough, such a great pet store owner! Then why the fuck did they find a dead snake stuck in the ceiling tile at the Dudley Shop next door?
KEITH BECKLE: Fuck this, Iím outta here. (Beckle leaves)
PERRY SHEPHERD: So can you talk about how the success of Ronny Johnston (former Top Flight singer currently fronting the newly-successful Bob Timmins Band) impacted the band?
TED PORLBOR: That fuck left us high and dry.
LEONARD SIMPKINS: Yeah, after all we did for him, we get repaid by his dumping our asses the second something better comes along.
TED PORLBOR: I just filed a lawsuit against him, trying to prevent him from singing with any band other than Top Flight.
PERRY SHEPHERD: On what grounds?
TED PORLBOR: How the fuck should I know? Ask my lawyer, Iím paying that dick enough.
PERRY SHEPHERD: Whatever became of your bassist Lawson Dawson?
LEONARD SIMPKINS: Donít know. Donít care. Iím suing him too.
TED PORLBOR: Me too. He owes me three dollars from a cassette we sold at our final show.
LEONARD SIMPKINS: Typical Porlbor. Always money grubbing.
TED PORLBOR: Fuck off, Simpleton. Iíll beat you down hard if you donít shut it now.
LEONARD SIMPKINS: You wanna settle this here? Or do you want to take it to the courtroom?
TED PORLBOR: Iíll sue your ass so bad you wonít know what hit you. (Makes call on cellular phone) Hello, Mister Rubbie? Ted Porlbor here. I want to sue Len. He called me a name.
LEONARD SIMPKINS: (dials his own cellular phone) Just you wait, Porlbor. Iíll own everything youíve got.
Well, I left them at the table to settle their differences in their own particular way. Hopefully they can mend fences and get back where they belong Ė on the stage, rocking out Top Flight-style! Letís pray for it.
THE MAINE EVENT
Hey everybody, howíre you enjoying this fantastic Western Maine autumn of ours? Itís truly spectacular Ė that certain nip in the air reminds me of only one thing Ė good old fashioned rock and roll! (But then again, what doesnít remind me of good old fashioned rock and roll?)
As you mightíve heard, old Perry here decided to put his money where his mouth was and start a band up. Thanks to the confrontational words of a certain Mr. Bob Timmins, I ponied up to the rock and roll bar and ordered a drink Ėmake mine a double! And now Iím proud to say that my band Perry Shepherd and the Perryscopes is up and running. Who wouldíve thought that I wouldíve entered the ranks of rock bands? Itís like joining a long running fraternity of local and national bands Ė weíre all brothers in a way, the PerryScopes sharing the same cosmic sphere as the Rolling Stones, Turd Burglar, Alice Cooper, Men At Work and so many others. Thanks for welcoming me into the brotherhood, fellas!
Iíve also learned about the power that being in a rock band has. There really is a serious responsibility about it. When youíre up there playing in front of a packed club, youíre almost like a god, standing high above the people coming to see the show. So I now certainly understand why certain types of musical acts should be discouraged from making their type of more dangerous music, if not out and out banned from it. Itís like the scales have been lifted from my eyes.
And who ever said that turnabout wasnít fair play? In the spirit of such things I decided to give my long-time rival (and now rock and roll brother in arms) a chance to review my band the way Iíve reviewed his band so many times. Unfortunately after I had agreed to let him review Perry Shepherd and the PerryScopes, Mr. Timmins went and sold his review to the Vermont Electric Guitar, a rag of a music paper that is now attempting to muscle its way into the Western Maine scene. I guess they figured that getting a review from Bob Timmins would be a good way to kick off their infiltration of our scene Ė nice try, guys. And if getting Bob Timmins to review my band is the best you can do, it wonít be long before you join the ranks of The Western Maine Rocker and Maine-Tertainment, two other music rags that tried to knock off Rave On from its lofty perch. It ainít gonna happen. But in the spirit of things Iíve put a link to the Bob Timmins review of my show over at the Crab Shack a couple weeks ago. Read at your own discretion.
Well thatís about all that Iíve got to say this time. Be sure to look for Perry Shepherd and the PerryScopes playing around town. Iíd list some of our local dates here, but personally I feel that using oneís column as a means to promote his band is unprofessional. Iím a journalist and I have high standards. My column is sacred.