Western Maine's Only Rock 'n' Roll Paper
*a Velndoco Publication
'King of Toilet Radio' Dies in Spectacular Pay-Per-View Death
Rory Blake 1969-2000
Self-proclaimed "King of Toilet Radio" Rory Blake passed away August 26th due to injuries incurred while performing on his pay-per-view TV special. "It seems that Mr. Blake was attempting do perform a stunt in which he....orally pleasured himself... while seated in a glass enclosure filled with with several thousand bees," said Searidge County coroner Walter Mertz.
Assistant beekeeper Marvin Bloom attempts to corral some of the deadly bees
Mertz continued: "On reviewing the tape of the incident, it appears that Mr. Blake was in trouble just moments after entering the case. He was, how do I put this tactfully, having trouble achieving the necessary state of "excitedness" and appeared to have gone into a panic. At about this time, a local music group by the name of...do I have to say this...Turd Burglar... began performing one of its numbers. The low bass frequencies apparently agitated the insects and caused them to attack the now fully-panicked Blake. Rescue was rendered impossible when the entire crew, head beekeeper included, fled the scene."
Blake's ashes will be given to the woman attending his funeral with the largest breasts as per his last will and testament.
TOP FLIGHT BREAK UP, LAWSUITS FLY
After sixteen years of keeping Western Mainers entertained, local favorites Top Flight have called it a day. The band announced the split from the stage/flatbed truck at the Grouper Day festivities in downtown Bentonton last Thursday, when guitarist/singer Ted Porlbor declared "This is the last time youíll catch my ass onstage with these dickwicks," before throwing his microphone into the crowd and storming off the stage/flatbed truck.
Top Flight (L-R): Ronny Johnston, Doug Sheffield, Leonard Simpkins, Keith Beckle and Ted Porlbor
While details are sketchy as press time, one thing is certain Ė the breakup did not go down well with the other members. The following morning all five members of Top Flight filed a total of 114 lawsuits and counter-suits at each other, over a variety of charges, including extortion, attempted vehicular homicide, anti-patriotism and unlawful ownership of a pet store.
"Itís a shame that it had to end this way," percussionist Leonard Simpkins commented at the West Hoover courthouse, in the midst of filing charges against saxophonist Keith "The Drill" Beckle over mis-appropriated Skee-Ball prize tickets. "I thought we had so much more to offer Ė we had just learned two songs off the Nutty Professor II soundtrack and weíre hard at work on our sixth original song," added new bassist Lawson Dawson. Upon overhearing this, Beckle filed suit against the bassist on the grounds of slander and attempted verbal rape.
News and Notes
TIMMINS BOUNCES BACK, ANNOUNCES DATES WITH WESTERN MAINE PHILHARMONIC
The Western Maine Philharmonic during last month's performance of "The Planets"
In an attempt to save face after his aborted stab at striking it big in New York, Bob Timmins has announced a bold string of performances to be held at the Western Maine Metropolitan Opera House September 22-24. "Firstly, itís great to be back where I belong Ė Western Maine," Timmins stated. "And thatís why I plan on giving my hometown fans something extra-special Ė the live debut of my concept record PORTRAITS." According to Timmins, PORTRAITS, which is yet to be recorded, will be performed over a series of three nights, with each night telling a part of the highly autobiographical story. Each of the presentations will be "seventy percent acting, thirty percent singing and last about four hours", according to Timmins. "Itís gonna be a fantastic, magical evening. So put on your tuxes and come out for some first class kick ass rock and roll theatre!"
BOB TIMMINS BAND SIGNS WITH ELEKTRA
On a related note, The Bob Timins Band, the group that Bob Timmins left to form Timmins, signed a major label deal with Elektra Records on September 1st. "Wow, this is like a dream come true for me!" shouted Ronny Johnston, the ex-Top Flight vocalist/bassist who took over singing duties in the band last month. "I canít believe this is happening!" Elektra plans on taking the band to Los Angeles to record their first album (not counting the bandís Lowdown and Guitar Boogie cassettes from 1986 and 1989), with Don Gehman (Cock Robin, John Mellencamp, REM) producing.
The Bob Timmins Band - Mach 3
One might think that a band named after a former member might be cause for legal trouble, but drummer Stan Pettigrew isnít worried. "I own the name Ė I got it trademarked and copyrighted two years ago when we started thinking about getting t-shirts printed up. So if Bob wants to be a munch about it, heíd better watch it Ė Iíll sue his ass for infringing on my property!"
(check out the debut of Perry Shepherdís TEN QUESTIONS WITHÖ column to find out what Bob Timmins thinks about the situation!)
HOLLYWOOD FEVER ROCKS WESTERN MAINE
The lure of the silver screen bit Western Maine residents hard this week as production of a Hollywood motion picture commenced filming throughout the area. Lethal Deception 2, a sequel to the original detective thriller is scheduled to shoot throughout the month, taking advantage of Western Maineís scenic views and vistas, as well as the brand-new Excellence Wholesale Egg Emporium in West Hoover, which is only one of four buildings in North America to have a 100 percent retractable floor. Lethal Deception 2 is a veritable parade of Hollywoodís biggest and brightest Ė the film stars Tom Berringer, country star Juice Newton, Gary Busey, David Naughton and NBA legend Tree Rollins.
The filming has caused quite a bit of pandemonium in rock circles when it was announced that a band would be needed to play in the background during a nightclub scene. During auditions held at the Crab Shack, over 3500 would-be local superstars crammed the club and the outlying area, hoping to catch the productionís eye. Among the many local favorites to audition were The Train Jumpers, Blues For Hire, The Albar Albablar Guitar Bears, The Troublemakers, Squish, Teddy and the Bundles, Crabadellic and and all five of the area's Fat Tuesdays.
TEN QUESTIONS WITHÖ.. BOB TIMMINS
by Perry Shepherd
As most of you know, there is little love lost between Bob Timmins and Perry Shepherd. As administrative manager of Rave On, I felt it was appropriate to have some kind of 'peacekeeper' present during this interview. Many thanks to Maine State Trooper Robert Harrops for maintaining a moderate level of civility between these two volatile legends of Western Maine music.
- Tod Belvedere
PERRY: Now Bob, let me ask you one thing. You formed the Bob Timmins Band fourteen years ago and met with a marginal amount of local success. You then gave up the rock lifestyle to install carpet when you got married to Rhonda and had a child, Dylan. But then the rock bug bit you again and you came back with a vengeance, storming your way to the top slot on the RAVE ON Readerís Poll. It seems after that the rush of fame went straight to you head, because you started making one bizarre or irrational decision after another. You left your own band, dumped your wife for a performance artist and headed to New York to try and make it big. But you bombed hard, lost whatever recording contract you thought you were going to get, and even got sued for sexually harassing the eighteen year-old daughter of your ex-manager. And now after bashing each and every citizen of Western Maine when you thought you were going to be huge, youíre now crawl back on your hands and knees to Western Maine pretending that nothing ever happened.
BOB: Perry, Iím counting that as two questions.
PERRY: Fine, whatever.
BOB: Now to answer your charges. Firstly, where does a bald dink like you get off talking about me or my art? What have you ever done?
PERRY: Iím not the one asking the questions here, Bob.
BOB: And you just answered my question. You havenít done shit. Why donít you put your money where your mouth is and actually get up onstage? Iíd love to see you try and write a song. It would suck so bad it wouldnít be funny.
PERRY: For your information, Iíve written songs before. And theyíre better than anything on your PORTRAITS album. And by the way, when are you going to get around to recording this masterpiece youíve been waving in front of us for so long?
BOB: Thatís another question, asshole. Soon. Probably in November or so. Things have to be just right before I can lay it down properly.
PERRY: I for one canít wait. Now please tell me about these shows youíve booked over at the Opera House. Three nights of Bob Timmins performing PORTRAITS, a record that hasnít even been recorded yet? Do you really think that anyone cares?
BOB: Iím doing it for all my long-time supporters. I couldíve just as easily mounted this show in New York or Los Angeles, but Iím faithful to the hardcore Timmins fans that are out there.
PERRY: More loyal to them than to your wife and kid, it seems.
BOB: Hey cue ball Ė donít stick your nose where it doesnít belong! Rhonda and Dylan know exactly what Iím doing, and they know that Iím doing it all for them! Itís guys like you that ruin it for everyone else. You know what your problem is? You donít have any balls! If I pulled down your trousers youíre probably like a fucking Ken doll down there!
PERRY: Wouldnít you love to.
BOB: Thatís six questions, you piece of fuck!
OFFICER HARROPS: Alright, fellas, calm it down before I have to take the both of you in.
PERRY: Describe the New York shows.
BOB: Oh, they were fantastic. The people down in TBA were just Ė
PERRY: TBA? Whatís that?
BOB: TBA. The Big Apple. God, you are a rube. Have you ever been out of Western Maine?
PERRY: Of course I have. Four times.
BOB: Anyway, the people down in TBA loved my shit. Theyíre begging me to return.
PERRY: Thatís funny, because I heard that you totally choked.
BOB: Not true, my good man. Not true.
PERRY: So how do you explain the review in New York Live?
BOB: Didnít see it. I donít read my reviews, because most rock critics are frustrated musicians, and when they see me up onstage, Iím doing and living everything they wish they had the balls to do. Like you.
PERRY: Like me?
BOB: That counts as another question, douchebag. Yes, you. You want to be me so bad that itís killing you. When I get up there it just destroys you, doesnít it.
PERRY: Fat chance.
BOB: A fat chance from a fat fuck, what a surprise.
PERRY: Iím gonna kill you!
OFFICER HARROPS: Down! Down! Listen guys, one more outbreak Ė one more Ė and Iíll split both of your heads open.
BOB: You would pay a million dollars to be me. Admit it.
PERRY: One more question. After you left the Bob Timmins Band, they replaced you with Ronny Johnston from Top Flight Ė
BOB: Ugh, what a no talent piece of grunt.
PERRY: And ever since then the band has seen nothing but good luck, while youíve gone further into the toilet.
BOB: Yeah, so they rode my name for all it was worth and got a record deal out of it. When all is said and done weíll see whoís left standing. And it wonít be them.
PERRY: You heard theyíre opening for Bob Seger.
BOB: (devastated) What? No. (long pause) They are? (pause) They can't be.
PERRY: Yeah, something like fifteen shows.
BOB: (very long contemplative pause) Fuck. (long pause) Yeah, well that sucks, but trust me, when PORTRAITS comes out and I do these shows at the Opera House, things will change. Then Bob Seger will come crawling to my castle and ask if he can work for me.
OFFICER HARROPS: Ok you two, that's enough. You're bothering the crabs.
THE MAINE EVENT
Hey folks! Itís great to be back! Now that summerís over - yours truly spent a spectacular four days of R and R (rest and relaxation, not rock and roll, although I did plenty of that too!) out at Chum Lake, soaking in the rays and blasting good tunes from my trusty boombox Cheryl. Yeah, I named my boombox, I know Ė pretty cool, eh? You should do it Ė youíd be amazed at how satisfying it is! Some of my faves were new tapes by great new WM bands like Fine Print, the Internets and Phillip Head and the Screwdrivers. Check Ďem out!
Another thing I hope you check out is my interview with Bob Timmins. Now the two of us havenít gotten along so well over the last few years, so things got a little sticky in places, but itís an entertaining read. Honestly I feel that I understand the man a little more. Not that I condone his actions or his choices, but I do understand where heís coming from.
Have you ever heard the expression "when life hands you a Dudley without mayo, try mustard?" Well thatís what Iím doing. In the interview Bob stuck it to yours truly a few times about my lack of musical expertise. Trust me, he couldnít be further from the truth. So keep an eye peeled for a different side of Perry Shepherd. Next time you go to The Brew Pub or the Crab Shack, donít be surprised if Iím there. But instead of rocking out from the crowd, I just might be rocking YOU out from the stage! Stay tuned!!
Keep the beat!!