After sixteen years of keeping Western Mainers entertained, local favorites Top Flight have called it a day. The band announced the split from the stage/flatbed truck at the Grouper Day festivities in downtown Bentonton last Thursday, when guitarist/singer Ted Porlbor  declared "This is the last time you’ll catch my ass onstage with these dickwicks," before throwing his microphone into the crowd and storming off the stage/flatbed truck.

While details are sketchy as press time, one thing is certain – the breakup did not go down well with the other members. The following morning all five members of Top Flight filed a total of 114 lawsuits and counter-suits at each other, over a variety of charges, including extortion, attempted vehicular homicide, anti-patriotism and unlawful ownership of a pet store.

"It’s a shame that it had to end this way," percussionist Leonard Simpkins commented at the West Hoover courthouse, in the midst of filing charges against saxophonist  Keith "The Drill" Beckle  over mis-appropriated Skee-Ball prize tickets. "I thought we had so much more to offer – we had just learned two songs off the Nutty Professor II soundtrack and we’re hard at work on our sixth original song," added new bassist Lawson Dawson.  Upon overhearing this,  Beckle filed suit against the bassist on the grounds of slander and attempted verbal rape. 

In an attempt to save face after his aborted stab at striking it big in New York, Bob Timmins has announced a bold string of performances to be held at the Western Maine Metropolitan Opera House September 22-24. "Firstly, it’s great to be back where I belong – Western Maine," Timmins stated. "And that’s why I plan on giving my hometown fans something extra-special – the live debut of my concept record PORTRAITS." According to Timmins, PORTRAITS, which is yet to be recorded, will be performed over a series of three nights, with each night telling a part of the highly autobiographical story.  Each of the  presentations will be "seventy percent acting, thirty percent singing and last about four hours", according to Timmins. "It’s gonna be a fantastic, magical evening. So put on your tuxes and come out for some first class kick ass rock and roll theatre!"

On a related note, The Bob Timins Band, the group that Bob Timmins left to form Timmins, signed a major label deal with Elektra Records on September 1st. "Wow, this is like a dream come true for me!" shouted Ronny Johnston, the ex-Top Flight vocalist/bassist  who took over singing duties in the band last month. "I can’t believe this is happening!" Elektra plans on taking the band to Los Angeles to record their first album (not counting the band’s Lowdown  and Guitar Boogie cassettes from 1986 and 1989), with Don Gehman (Cock Robin, John Mellencamp, REM) producing.

One might think that a band named after a former member might be cause for legal trouble, but drummer Stan Pettigrew  isn’t worried. "I own the name – I got it trademarked and copyrighted two years ago when we started thinking about getting t-shirts printed up. So if Bob wants to be a munch about it, he’d better watch it – I’ll sue his ass for infringing on my property!"

(check out the debut of Perry Shepherd’s TEN QUESTIONS WITH… column to find out what Bob Timmins thinks about the situation!)

The lure of the silver screen bit Western Maine residents hard this week as production of a Hollywood motion picture commenced filming throughout the area. Lethal Deception 2, a sequel to the original detective thriller is scheduled to shoot throughout the month, taking advantage of Western Maine’s scenic views and vistas, as well as the brand-new Excellence Wholesale Egg Emporium in West Hoover, which is only one of four buildings in North America to have a 100 percent retractable floor. Lethal Deception 2 is a veritable parade of Hollywood’s biggest and brightest – the film stars Tom Berringer, country star Juice Newton, Gary Busey, David Naughton and NBA legend Tree Rollins.

The filming has caused quite a bit of pandemonium in rock circles when it was announced that a band would be needed to play in the background during a nightclub scene. During auditions held at the Crab Shack, over 3500 would-be local superstars crammed the club and the outlying area, hoping to catch the production’s eye. Among the many local favorites to audition were The Train Jumpers, Blues For Hire, The Albar Albablar Guitar Bears,  The Troublemakers, Squish, Teddy and the Bundles, Crabadellic and and all five of the area's Fat Tuesdays.

TEN QUESTIONS WITH….. BOB TIMMINS 

by Perry Shepherd

As most of you know, there is little love lost between Bob Timmins and Perry Shepherd.  As administrative manager of Rave On, I felt it was appropriate to have some kind of 'peacekeeper' present during this interview.  Many thanks to Maine State Trooper Robert Harrops for maintaining a moderate level of civility between these two volatile legends of Western Maine music.

 - Tod Belvedere 

PERRY: Now Bob, let me ask you one thing. You formed the Bob Timmins Band fourteen years ago and met with a marginal amount of local success. You then gave up the rock lifestyle to install carpet when you got married to Rhonda and had a child, Dylan. But then the rock bug bit you again and you came back with a vengeance, storming your way to the top slot on the RAVE ON Reader’s Poll. It seems after that the rush of fame went straight to you head, because you started making one bizarre or irrational decision after another. You left your own band, dumped your wife for a performance artist and headed to New York to try and make it big. But you bombed hard, lost whatever recording contract you thought you were going to get, and even got sued for sexually harassing the eighteen year-old daughter of your ex-manager. And now after bashing each and every citizen of Western Maine when you thought you were going to be huge, you’re now crawl back on your hands and knees to Western Maine pretending that nothing ever happened.

BOB: Perry, I’m counting that as two questions.

PERRY: Fine, whatever.

BOB: Now to answer your charges. Firstly, where does a bald dink like you get off talking about me or my art? What have you ever done?

PERRY: I’m not the one asking the questions here, Bob.

BOB: And you just answered my question. You haven’t done shit. Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is and actually get up onstage? I’d love to see you try and write a song. It would suck so bad it wouldn’t be funny.

PERRY: For your information, I’ve written songs before. And they’re better than anything on your PORTRAITS album. And by the way, when are you going to get around to recording this masterpiece you’ve been waving in front of us for so long?

BOB: That’s another question, asshole. Soon. Probably in November or so. Things have to be just right before I can lay it down properly.

PERRY: I for one can’t wait. Now please tell me about these shows you’ve booked over at the Opera House. Three nights of Bob Timmins performing PORTRAITS, a record that hasn’t even been recorded yet? Do you really think that anyone cares?

BOB: I’m doing it for all my long-time supporters. I could’ve just as easily mounted this show in New York or Los Angeles, but I’m faithful to the hardcore Timmins fans that are out there.

PERRY: More loyal to them than to your wife and kid, it seems.

BOB: Hey cue ball – don’t stick your nose where it doesn’t belong! Rhonda and Dylan know exactly what I’m doing, and they know that I’m doing it all for them! It’s guys like you that ruin it for everyone else. You know what your problem is? You don’t have any balls! If I pulled down your trousers you’re probably like a fucking Ken doll down there!

PERRY: Wouldn’t you love to.

BOB: That’s six questions, you piece of fuck!

OFFICER HARROPS: Alright, fellas, calm it down before I have to take the both of you in.

PERRY: Describe the New York shows.

BOB: Oh, they were fantastic. The people down in TBA were just –

PERRY: TBA? What’s that?

BOB: TBA. The Big Apple. God, you are a rube. Have you ever been out of Western Maine?

PERRY: Of course I have. Four times.

BOB: Anyway, the people down in TBA loved my shit. They’re begging me to return.

PERRY: That’s funny, because I heard that you totally choked.

BOB: Not true, my good man. Not true.

PERRY: So how do you explain the review in New York Live?

BOB: Didn’t see it. I don’t read my reviews, because most rock critics are frustrated musicians, and when they see me up onstage, I’m doing and living everything they wish they had the balls to do. Like you.

PERRY: Like me?

BOB: That counts as another question, douchebag. Yes, you. You want to be me so bad that it’s killing you. When I get up there it just destroys you, doesn’t it.

PERRY: Fat chance.

BOB: A fat chance from a fat fuck, what a surprise.

PERRY: I’m gonna kill you!

OFFICER HARROPS: Down! Down! Listen guys, one more outbreak – one more – and I’ll split both of your heads open.

BOB: You would pay a million dollars to be me. Admit it.

PERRY: One more question. After you left the Bob Timmins Band, they replaced you with Ronny Johnston from Top Flight –

BOB: Ugh, what a no talent piece of grunt.

PERRY: And ever since then the band has seen nothing but good luck, while you’ve gone further into the toilet.

BOB: Yeah, so they rode my name for all it was worth and got a record deal out of it. When all is said and done we’ll see who’s left standing. And it won’t be them.

PERRY: You heard they’re opening for Bob Seger.

BOB: (devastated) What? No. (long pause) They are? (pause) They can't be.

PERRY: Yeah, something like fifteen shows.

BOB: (very long contemplative pause) Fuck. (long pause) Yeah, well that sucks,  but trust me, when PORTRAITS comes out and I do these shows at the Opera House, things will change. Then Bob Seger will come crawling to my castle and ask if he can work for me.

OFFICER HARROPS: Ok you two, that's enough.  You're bothering the crabs.

Hey folks! It’s great to be back! Now that summer’s over - yours truly spent a spectacular four days of R and R (rest and relaxation, not rock and roll, although I did plenty of that too!) out at Chum Lake, soaking in the rays and blasting good tunes from my trusty boombox Cheryl. Yeah, I named my boombox, I know – pretty cool, eh? You should do it – you’d be amazed at how satisfying it is! Some of my faves were new tapes by great new WM bands like Fine Print, the Internets and Phillip Head and the Screwdrivers. Check ‘em out!

Another thing I hope you check out is my interview with Bob Timmins. Now the two of us haven’t gotten along so well over the last few years, so things got a little sticky in places, but it’s an entertaining read. Honestly I feel that I understand the man a little more. Not that I condone his actions or his choices, but I do understand where he’s coming from.

Have you ever heard the expression "when life hands you a Dudley without mayo, try mustard?" Well that’s what I’m doing. In the interview Bob stuck it to yours truly a few times about my lack of musical expertise.  Trust me, he couldn’t be further from the truth. So keep an eye peeled for a different side of Perry Shepherd. Next time you go to The Brew Pub or the Crab Shack, don’t be surprised if I’m there. But instead of rocking out from the crowd, I just might be rocking YOU out from the stage! Stay tuned!!

Keep the beat!!

Perry