Guess who's back?!!!! It's me, Mike Velndonom!!!
Man, is it good to be back on Western Maine soil again! I realize I look a little different than I did when you last saw me. Let me take a moment to tell you what has gone down in my life over the last year-and-a-half.
As you know, I traveled to Taiwan in August, 2000 to rescue copies of Rory Blake's Toilet Tunes CD from comedy- hating customs officials. I got the CDs with little trouble (nothing a $100,000 palm greasing couldn't fix!) and things were going well until I got into some gambling-related problems with the local Taipei mafia. I lost about $300,000 over the course of three days and then discovered that my grandpa Claude had placed a freeze on my bank account. I had no way of paying these guy. I am not ashamed to tell you that I high-tailed it out of there. What's 300 bills to those guys? They're criminals! The reconnaissance mission grandpa Claude staged did little to help my plight.
Anyhoo, I started traveling around a little, really enjoying myself. I went to some of the cooler parts of Taiwan and basically partied my ass off. But something strange began happening. People began avoiding me. I couldn't figure out what was going on. Then someone told me there was a death squad out there gunning for me as a result of the non-payment of my debt. I was terrified. I made such a spectacle of myself everywhere I went that everybody knew my face. How was I going to get back to Taipei without being noticed? I realized I'd have to alter my looks. I came up with a plan.
I met a plastic surgeon who said he could do a slight face alteration for me, kinda like that film The Stepfather II (or was it III?). I was so desperate to get back to Taipei, get the CDs and fly home unnoticed that I said ok. The rub was that the thing cost $100,000! That was just about what the CDs were worth. So there was my dilemma --what did I value more, Toilet Tunes or my life? We worked out a deal where he would do the surgery and I would then slip into the warehouse where the CDs were and give them to the surgeon. God knows what he thought he could do with them in Taiwan --that stuff barely made sense in English!
So he does the surgery and everything goes ok for the most part. Unfortunately, he made me look exactly like Xhong Dien, the Taiwanese swimmer who disgraced the country when he tested positive for narcotics after winning the butterfly in the '98 Olympics. I soon learned of the hatred this guy generated when I started making my way back to Taipei after the 30-day healing process. Have you ever been spat at by 200 schoolchildren? Ever had a pot of scalding fish ball soup poured on your head? You guessed it, it sucks.
So, I get back to the warehouse and they won't give me the damn CDs because they think I'm this asshole swimmer. The surgeon is getting mad because he thinks I'm screwing him and I get beat up not only by the guys at the warehouse, but the surgeon too! Then some high school kids come along and start getting their shots in as well. What a bummer!
The surgeon eventually tells the warehouse dudes about the surgery and they release the CDs. I asked him why the hell he didn't tell them first. He said it was because he always wanted to kick Dien's ass and this was the closest he'd get because Dien now lives in Spain with some hot super model. What a dick.
I don't know what I thought I was going to do when I showed up at the airport with my new face and the old passport photo. I was of course prevented from boarding my plane. Now I was really screwed. I couldn't go into the city because I'd get murdered because I look like this dipshit swimmer. I couldn't tell anyone I'm Mike Velndonom because the mafia would off me.
Finally some good fortune. I meet a guy who knows a Chinese dude who has a fishing boat that is bound for Hawaii. I meet the dude and he lets me sail with them as long as I pull my own and help with the nets. Thankfully the Chinese don't give a rip about the Taiwanese sporting world and nobody on the boat recognized me as the assface swimmer.
The lonely days and nights on the boat really made me reexamine my life and search my soul. What have I been doing all these years? Private schools, island vacations, million dollar cars and homes. What does it all have to do with anything? What have I really learned?
I came to the conclusion that, just like Great Grandpa Claude said, the Velndonom way is the only way! We were put on this earth to show the lesser ones how to live ---with style and panache! I vowed to never doubt for a second my birthright ---COMPLETE DOMINATION OF THE MUSIC BUSINESS!!!
After leaving the boat in Hawaii I boarded another boat and made my way to California. I made my way across the country and reached beloved Western Maine right as things were returning to normal. The struggle of the citizens of Western Maine seems to have been as arduous as mine. It is a testament to the people of Western Maine (and even those in eastern Maine --although I will never forgive them for assassinating my great uncle Zachariah) that they persevered and prevailed --just like I have.
I am pleased to announce that I, Mike Velndonom am once again head of Stereolaffs Records. I have taken leadership of the company away from Major Larkinson. I have also halted the release of any upcoming Larkinson-sponsored projects.
I am proud to inform you of the release of:
Chain Fights, Beer Busts and Service with a Grin
This new 2-CD set will be in stores in early March. You can also order online.
It is so good to be back and I look forward to brining you only the best comedy releases.peace out, Micheal Velndonom