Claude Y. Velndonom
CEO Velndoco Entertainment Inc.
Long-overdue greetings to you all,
I really don't know where to begin. The past 6 months have been the most trying of not only my life, they have been the most difficult in the history of Western Maine.
I truly apologize for the events which took place on August 30th. I can't say how excited we at Velndonom Industries were about the XP-4. We truly thought the XP-4 would not only establish this area as the center of the entertainment industry, we thought it would benefit the entire world in ways not seen since the advent of electricity. How wrong we were.
We had no earthly idea that the Xerion microchips which were implanted in the XP-4's would somehow form a super-high-density band of negative energy which would not only knock out all of Western Maine's power facilities, but would also form a 60-mile wide force field which would allow no Western Maine resident to leave the area nor rescue workers from outside to come in. The fact that the Xerion energy band was also somehow able to monitor our daily private activities and comment on them made life unbearable for all of us.
It gives me great pleasure to tell you that after 6 months of around the clock effort we have beaten the Xerion enemy!
We owe our deepest thanks to the fine Velndonom Industries employees who burrowed deep under Western Maine and into Eastern Maine in an effort to free ourselves of the negative energy band. The dispersement of the energy band from above using Eastern Maine-based rockets was highly effective.
Dear people, I realize there has always been an uneasy tension between we Western Mainers and our Eastern Maine counterparts. I'm just as guilty of harboring negative feelings for the residents of that area. My speech to the regional council in May of 1998 where I called the people of Eastern Maine "stupid assholes" did little to help matters.
The people of Eastern Maine rose to the occasion like true heroes during our time of need. They set aside any bad notions that might have been generated as a result of Western Maine's "Eastern Maine Sucks" parade last July and rallied to help us beat our real foe: the Xerion chips. We salute our brothers in Eastern Maine. But to those who have been pushing for an Eastern/Western Maine union, I say let's not go overboard. These are the same people who assassinated my dear uncle Zachariah Velndonom in the late '50s because of his then-radical, now-accepted views on crab farming. I say, forgive --but not forget.
Enjoy that hot water, TV, stereo and other luxuries while you can because they're all going away again on March 7th!
That's right, we are going ahead with the long planned "Colonial Days Celebration." The celebration will commemorate 200 years of Western Maine history and last from March 7th until April 7th. Could anything help us get over these trying times more than donning traditional colonial garb (mandatory), forsaking our automobiles (mandatory), eschewing the unneeded accoutrements of 21st century living --electricity, modern medical care, heat, running water--(mandatory), and living as our forefathers did? I think not.
I so envy you all, for I will only be able to monitor the delights of the next month via closed circuit television from the mansion our family owns on a small island off the coast of east Barbados.
On another happy note, I am thrilled to tell you that my dear grandson Michael has returned! We had all given up hope but he is back on our luscious soil for the first time in a year and a half. Michael will take over the business of running the Stereolaffs record and tape label.
I am thoroughly saddened to inform you that my ex-best friend Major Bradford Larkinson has been removed of his post at Stereolaffs. The Major, it turns out, was never a Major at all. He has been arrested for impersonating a US Marine Corps officer and has been carted off to the brig in Fayetteville, NC. It also turns out the Major was not even black...or American . His real name is Arthur Juvenier and he is from Montreal, Canada. May you dwell in the shame that is surely your new home, sir.
I proclaim that from this day forward anyone heard uttering the Major's name shall be tried for treason against Western Maine.
I would also like it known that I am now the caretaker for the Major's dogs Chitz and Zoompa and his wife Joyce.
The Shout! Network! News
It angers me to tell you that Jerry Van Dyke has left the cast of Jerry Van Dyke's Crime Crunchers . Mr. Van Dyke states that he was so traumatized by the events of the last 6 months that he will never return to our fine area. This is unfortunate but there is a silver lining. Mr Van Dyke signed away any rights to his name when he put that pen to his Shout! Network! contract and as the old adage goes, "the crime crunching must go on." The character of "Mr. Van Dyke" will now be played by...me, Claude Y. Velndonom.
I cannot tell you how excited I am to act. I've never done it before but being involved with Lighthouse --even if it was a terrible, evil movie gave me the showbiz bug. The first episode with me in the starring role will be called "The Case of The Stolen Bass" and will co-star someone named Rudy Sarzo from something called Quiet Riot.
See you soon and enjoy Colonial Days!
Claude Y. Velndonom